Acknowledgment of just how hard it has been

It is challenging for me to acknowledge just how difficult things have been.  Sure, I will say this year has SUCKS, but that is not an actual acknowledgment of the depth of the challenges.

In my therapy session this week, my therapist sort of shook her head and said, "You're so resilient".  I laughed and said, sure.  She went on to say that loosing a parent is significant, loosing a parent with a whom one has a complex relationship and history is even more significant.  That is enough to deal with.  Dealing with another challenging/dysfunctional parent is a lot to deal with on its own, pair that with the death of the other parent, yikes... then throw in a complicated health situation for a sibling who then lives with you and who newly relies on you financially... each of those individually is a lot to work through, combine them and...

well... let's just say it is no wonder I've been so flat and checked out while do what is necessary to keep moving, but nothing else...

I felt like such a failure for so long, like I wasn't good enough, like I wasn't handling all of this well, like I wasn't living up to some standard of dealing. 

I am definitely feeling is a process (so lesbian of me, eh?)

Things have been very challenging for a long time.  I am learning to let go of things, and dare I say...I think I am starting to understand forgiveness. I am also starting to accept that other people's lives are not my responsibility.

I am, and forever will be, a work in progress...


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