Liability... less than...not enough

I felt like I turned a corner, but then...
I feel like this again.

Talking to a friend can be so enlightening.  I realized a few things:

  • I don't dislike my place as much as it seems, it is just that since moving in after buying it, life has been an almost constant series of challenges that I allow to make me feel like I am not enough...
  • I have spent the past 2+ years disappointed in myself because I have felt like I should be doing life better, should be handling all of these challenges better...expectation versus reality
  • I think I have needed my friends but don't know how to let them know that or even what that looks like
  • I still have a bad relationship with money
  • My desire to "run away" and live in Europe is actually a very real desire for change and a different way of living

I've written about the multiple trains of thought that are constantly going in my brain, seemingly random in origin.  Not so random, in fact.

Memories flashing back, and all of them have a common theme: relationships in which it was implied or said that I was less than what was needed, not enough for a person... clearly I have not gotten over that.

I am listening to Lorde and her song, Liability came on.

...The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy
'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore
And then they are bored of me
I know that it's exciting
Running through the night, but
Every perfect summer's
Eating me alive until you're gone
Better on my own

They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for
E-a-na-na-na, everyone

They're gonna watch me
Disappear into the sun
You're all gonna watch me
Disappear into the sun...

Not an exact match, but the sentiment is all too familiar.  I am projecting my internal fears of not being enough, I know that, intellectually.  I hate feeling like a burden, like I am not enough.  I may seem okay and confident...I don't feel it.  It takes one phrase that confirms a fear to crush me.  That is not strength.  It is no wonder I continue to isolate myself.

I need to get my shit together.  Seriously.

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