MB is a character I imagine from time to time.  I started writing a story about him.  I go back to it from time to time.  At first it was fairy tale, then somewhat autobiographical, then not.  MB was inspired by a silly little ceramic figure I saw at a diner.  It was a little white bunny with a huge brown handlebar mustache.  

My MB looks just the same, but is fully alive, speaks in an English accent and is friends with the the author of the story The nameless author who thinks she is telling a story about her best friend MB but is really telling her story through her friendship and adventures with MB.  The author is human, but lives in a world where humans and various animal species are fully humanized; the speak, wear clothes, drive cars, and have prejudices just like humans.  Humans and the animals are fully integrated.  Man is not the presumed leader of the animals.

My MB is bold, egocentric, has a Napoleon complex and drives a huge black SUV.  He pushes the author out of her comfort zone by pushing himself out of his.  He is rude, presumptuous, comforting, and a good friend to the author.  

I wouldn't call myself a writer, but this story is a fun way for me to express things in a safe way, or rather in a way that felt safe to me.  I haven't added to my MB story in quite a while.  I think about it from time to time, but I haven't actually created anything new.

It is easier for me to acknowledge and express some of what is going on in my head and heart now than it was when I started the story.  Maybe MB was like my Jiminy Cricket, or a version of him.  I don't need a something helping me know wrong from right, but I have needed something to push me out of my comfort zone, to take risks and ask for what I want and need.  Never been really good at that.

"Life is too short..." how many times have we all heard that?  

I never really thought about what happens in a persons life to get them to a point where they just do shit and stop caring about what other people think.  I know not everyone does.  But I think about my Nana, she really didn't care what people thought, she was who she was and when someone said something judgmental she called them out.  I've always had this notion that I wanted to be unapologetically me.  I've been creeping toward that for some time.  

I've realized that I don't like falling in line, don't like when others wear the same thing I do or have a similar style.  I realized this with a bracelet of all things.  For a while I wanted a Pandora bracelet, wanted to collect charms on our travels and have it tell a story.  Then slowly, everyone got them, everyone was wearing them and I started wearing mine less and less.  I'll keep it because eventually the masses will stop wearing them, they will go out of fashion and I will wear mine again.  I like having something unique or quirky about me, it feels more genuine than falling in line with the status quo.  I recognize that the majority of what I like, what I do it pretty mainstream and that it is fickle to stop wearing a bracelet because a lot of other people are wearing a similar bracelet.  But such is life.  It is how I feel, so I am going with it.

I love my freedom and the life Christy and I have chosen.  The challenges of this year have taken some of that immediate freedom away, and I think it is good.  In the same way that I say that my RA sucks and I wouldn't choose it and all that comes along with it, if that were a choice, but I have learned so much and become who I am because of the disease.  This year has sucks, in a lot of ways, but I have and am also gaining a lot by way of personal growth, a relationship with my brother, etc.  My daily life has been affected; I've lost some of the privacy I didn't know I needed, and my relationships are being challenged.  

I know that losing a parent can lead to a fundamental shift in a person.  For me, losing my mom has been so challenging because years of silence about the dysfunction in which I grew up has been released into reality, because I feel relieved that I do not worry about her every single day of my life, and because now there is no chance to have what I have felt was missing for so long.  I long for some resolution of these feelings, of what is coming up for me as I process her death and this grief.  It is a process and I am working on it.

In some ways I need my internal MB to push me, force me into being more social.  It is hard right now.  I feel very withdrawn and find it very hard to motivate myself to make plans, to do anything with other people.

DEB is next week and I guess I am excited.  No, I am actually not really excited.  I am happy that we are doing it again, happier that both Angie and Cathy will be there...but really...I don't feel excited.  It will be a fun night, just need to get to it.  

I am still going through the motions a lot of the time.

I am however looking forward to two days at a cute B&B in New Hope with Christy next Friday and Saturday.  It'll be a nice little relaxing break for us.

I'm off topic or lost my train of thought...

I want to book another trip.  I want to travel more.  I don't want to just do one trip a year that is for fun.  I love travel, so much.

I am a little obsessed with Puerto Rico and Vieques right now, or Quebec, or Amsterdam.  I know we need to replenish our savings after all of the costs from this year, but all I want is to fly away and experience new things.  I loved our France trip so much!

I didn't like traveling when I started for work, but I have grown to love it.  

I sometimes wish MB was real, that he'd spontaneously book a trip and off we'd go on an adventure.



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