My own skin

I've always been an emotional eater.  Once I started an anti-depressant I was better able to control the urge.  Since the funeral I've been falling back into bad habits; snacking when I am not hungry, eating when I am bored, never feeling full or satisfied.

Looking back with clear eyes I see that this started for me when I was very young.  It was something I could control in an uncontrollable environment.

I was 8 when I remember knowing I was "fat" according to other people.  I wasn't actually fat, I just wasn't a thin kid.

Almost all kids are teased, and teasing hurts.  I was teased for being too tall, too fat, too freckled... too smart, too bookish, too shy, too goody goody...  I knew, intellectually, that being smart, shy, good, and bookish were all okay...knew that being tall or fat or freckled didn't make me bad.  But emotionally, like so many women, I came to have a fundamental belief that I was not enough.

I am 41.  Until recently I have not found clothes that fit well let alone made me feel comfortable or sexy.  I am so happy that there are now more options for me, for those of us who wear 16+.  I have been slowly building a wardrobe that fits me well, and even have some pieces that make me feel very good and more comfortable in my own skin.

I recognize that gaining weight is not healthy for me with my RA, fibro, low BP, and the meds I am on.  I recognize that I must focus on quelling the bad habits that have led to some weight gain in the past 6-8 weeks by taking better care of myself, my mental health, and my emotions.  I recognize that I must incorporate more activity into my days and must make healthier choices.  But it is very comforting to be able to wear clothes that fit and make me feel good.

Regardless of my size I want to feel body positive.  I am working to accept my body.  I am not upset by the wrinkles starting around my eyes and mouth.  I am not upset by the many white hairs that are growing in on my head.  I have earned each one, and it has been a privilege-one that not everyone has... I want to look at a photo and not immediately hear critical negative thoughts about the way I look, the double chin, the chubby this or that...

I am 41.  I do not want to waste another day not loving myself, not feeling like I am enough.

I am enough.


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