He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

Another week...another crisis.  I won't say much as it isn't my story to tell, but my brother had a serious health scare and will be living with a chronic issue that is serious. I just want him to be okay.  I just got him back in my life and I don't want to lose him.

I keep telling myself that this period of high intensity and challenge is temporary...as does the therapist, my doctors, etc. I hope it is true.  Part of me is waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop with regard to my Dad.

I feel like life is happening to me, though I am working to be mindful to avoid this.

I read an interesting piece the other day about living while repressing feelings.  It hit very close to home.  Here are the things in the piece that I related to:

  • taking care of everyone else
  • disappearing when someone or something triggers a feeling/emotion I am uncomfortable with
  • constantly staying busy
  • constantly claiming that I am fine
  • developing irrational anxieties
  • putting a positive spin on everything
  • wanting to plan everything ahead of time
  • turning everything into a joke
  • presenting a tough as nails exterior
Um, yeah...so...

I talked about emoting in therapy earlier this week.  She laughs at me a lot because as I say things aloud, I catch myself and address the phrase or thought from the perspective of a mental health professional. e.g. "people, including Christy, keep telling me that I haven't really grieved...I don't know what that should look like...okay, so should, right, there is no "should" and grief is different for everyone..."

Maybe I don't need to emote in ways that I have seen others process experiences.  Maybe I don't need to cry for hours or rage on to express my anger.  But I do need to express something...just not sure what.  When I have had moments where the wall of strength has come down, I will start experiencing emotions of grief, sadness, anger, etc. I start crying and opening up then I quickly shut it down.  It feels inefficient, it feels like a waste of time...what will it accomplish?  That is what I asked myself recently, and I realize that it is actually more efficient than this suppression bullshit I am so good at, which simply prolongs the process of letting go.  It will accomplish my being able to feel lighter and let go of anger.

For a while I was answering "How are you doing?" very honestly, and it clearly made people uncomfortable.  So I have reverted back to "I'm fine."  Fine...I sort of hate that word.

I'm not fine.  I am living my life.  In this moment, I am okay.

Routine is a comfort to me.  My home life routines have been messed up since the day mom went into the hospital.  I have found tremendous comfort in the fact that I have done at least 10 m of mindfulness meditation for 140 days in a row.  I find comfort in the fact that I am on a 20 day streak of practicing my French lessons, that I have written/drawn in my sketchbook come journal every day since 4/18 when I started it.  These are healthy things, but underneath it, I recognize that some of the diagnosed OCD tendencies that I have are manifesting through these things.

I am nothing if not self-aware, eh?

I am working to be gentle with myself, patient, and am working to acknowledge the hard stuff instead of sugar coating my story for others.  

I want to be genuine and authentic.

I had a good appointment with my Rheumatologist yesterday.  I am okay to keep weaning SLOWLY down to get off Prednisone.  It has been another year on the steroid.  The scale confirmed that yesterday.  Blargh. THe more frequent infusions are helping and even with all of this stress and some travel, I am not flaring.

Today is a day to be positive, it is Christy's birthday.  We did presents this morning and will meet after work for dinner to celebrate.



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