What comes next

The days and weeks after mom died were odd.

Immediately, I went into "get it done" mode.  Arrange the funeral, get my brother out of the house, make decisions, get it done.  It didn't help that she died on Sunday morning and we were expecting a "terrible snowstorm" on Tuesday, so we NEEDED to get the planning done.

I am just now coming out of this mode.  Maybe... okay, not really.

We got home that morning from the hospital and had already received a flower arrangement from a friend.  Christy had been keeping a small group of friends and family in the loop.  Over the next few days we were overwhelmed by support; calls, messages, cards, flowers and food.  It was incredible and was such a testament to the amazing people we have in our lives.

Let me just say, going forward, I will be sending food or gift certificates for food when someone dies.  It was such a relief to come home from running around making plans and have a gift card to GrubHub which felt like permission to take it easy and order in some dinner.  Another friend sent a lovely breakfast basket that also made life super easy.

I don't know how I would have managed things were it not for my Aunt and Uncle.  They were amazing and continue to be so, truly.

It was wonderful to have so many people checking in, sharing memories, etc.  Somehow, though, I still felt lonely.

Grief is lonely. (for me)

Monday we met with Sean, a priest from Christy's church, who we asked to do the funeral service.  We spent 45 minutes talking to him, telling him stories about mom, and going through a plan for the service.  He was incredible.  The conversation was so positive and honest.

I went right back to work on Tuesday, though remotely, then was in the office Wednesday and Thursday.  I did plan to be out the Friday and Monday surrounding the funeral for all of the last minute errands and things.

I ran around like a crazy person.  I barely cried or felt anything.  I went from being very mindful and present to watching myself doing things that had to be done.

My meditation practice, though I am technically doing it everyday, has not been nearly as mindful.  I am constantly distracting myself with thoughts of what 's next.

Planning a funeral service for someone who is not religious and left no clear instruction is challenging.  Working with a funeral home and director who is compassionate and understanding made it all a bit easier.  I still hated it, but it had to be done.

Had to get something to wear, hated that.
Had to make a decision about the funeral luncheon, hated that.
Had to start thinking about what to do with the ashes, hated that.
Do you see a pattern?

Christy and Johnny and I finished the planning and all of the errands.  We were exhausted.  We went to sleep Friday night knowing the next day would be hard.


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