The onslaught of Mother's Day stuff has begun...

Emails about things "mom will love", reminders everywhere to tell mom just how much you care. Bah.  I hadn't seen my mom for Mother's Day for the past few years but I always sent her something: cards and flowers or gift cards for QVC or HSN.  I always told her I loved her.  And for years whenever we did Mother's Day with my MIL I carried guilt with me.  I adore my MIL and love seeing her, spending the day with her.  The guilt was because I din't want to spend the day with my mom because I knew what that would bring with it, if it ever would have happened.

For years we'd make plans... I'd plan to go there, she'd plan to come here, we'd plan to go out...and every year, she'd cancel.  I know why, I understand the why.  She was in pain.  Chronic debilitating pain.  She was fatigued.  She was not emotionally up for getting ready.  She was upset.  She was depressed.  Finally we both stopped making plans.  I never stopped thinking about her and hoping that someday it would be different.

Yes, this is technically the first mother's day without her, but I have been grieving this particular tradition for years.  I don't have any illusion that this mother's day will not be hard, it will.  I know that.

I am sad.  Very sad.

I'm trying to remember and hold onto positive things, but for years there weren't any...

I am supposed to be going to my parent's house this weekend to help start "going through things".  I am not looking forward to it, but it will be good to get started.  There is so much STUFF to go through.  So much.  I don't even know where to start.  I know this is on me to do, and I will do it.  But when I think about it, I feel that cold wash of anxiety come over me.

People all around will be celebrating mother's day with their moms while I join the millions of motherless daughters who are trying to figure out what is next.




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