Is it my brain chemistry or the steroids?

Ugh, with this year already!  I don't want to be a negative Nelly, but come on!!!  My 2016 started in a shitty flare that lasted 6 months and is ending in an equally shitty flare.  I never got off the steroids for more than a few days, and am back up to 20 mg/daily.

I'm a monster in my head, and a grump.  I increased my anti-depressant about a month ago, and I don't know that it has made any difference, but it is hard to tell because I am a maniac on this much steroid every day.

We are increasing the frequency of my Remicade infusions from every 6 weeks to every 4 weeks.  I hope that makes the difference and I can get off the 'roids.

I was on steroids for 10 years, add the anti-depressant, and back on steroids and I've gained weight which I really should not do.

I don't want to whine about losing weight, blah, blah, blah...but I do need to.  I need to fit into my clothes comfortably.

I got a fitness tracker and am at least trying to increase daily steps and track to ensure I am getting enough sleep.

This time of year is always challenging for me, I am hoping to come out of this funk...well, I am also working to come out of this funk.

Sometimes I feel like I work really hard just to be at a level of functioning that others naturally have.  There are days I really do have to struggle and fight my body and mind to get myself out of bed between RA pain, muscle cramps, fatigue and the ever tempting voice in my head saying, "just stay in bed...take the day...it'll be easier tomorrow."  But that is the thing, isn't it...it won't be easier tomorrow, or maybe it will, but I can't know that...so I make myself get up, get in the shower and do what I can do.

I could have given up, thrown in the towel and not gotten the help I needed.  I could have disappeared and cut off contact...I could still.  I don't want to.  I want to LIVE.  I want to work and play hard.  I want to love and travel and laugh.  But sometimes...sometimes I feel the pull and can sort of understand giving in to it.  I found resources, I surrounded myself with love.  But underneath it all, I think I will always have that deep temptation to give in and give up.  I thought being on anti-depressants would make it go away, it hasn't. But...it has made it easier to choose joy.  There are days when the RA stuff really sucks that I just want to cry and stay in bed and that can sometimes make me feel dark and twisted up, but in the end I have always managed to find the light.

I know I am living a good life, I have all that I need and more.  I am loved.  I am feeling crazy and tired and annoyed and angry at nothing and I assume that is the prednisone...or maybe it is my brain chemistry...

Blargh.

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